This post is raw and vulnerable.
Perseverance is not easy. Failing is not easy.
Having a history of self-image struggles and eating disorders isn’t easy. My social media is filled with pictures of ‘perfect’ bodies and FOOD. So much food. Cakes and bowls of ice cream and fried chicken smothered in gravy. Foods that make my internal calorie counter go into the red zone and panic attack mode and my binge eating side want to run to the pantry.
I still have days where I don’t feel confident. I put on a dress this weekend that was a very tiny size and asked my husband if I my belly looked pudgy. It’s body dismorphia. It’s real.
I track my food in MyFitnessPal and have days where I am oh-so-tempted to eat one less snack or cut just a few more carbs.
My stomach swells when I eat foods that don’t work for me and my face gets puffy and I don’t feel like me. Sugar makes me angry and irritable. But I eat it anyway.
I KNOW the ‘right’ things to eat, but sometimes I just want the jelly beans. And I sometimes eat a whole bag. But I no longer eat them in secrecy and hide the trash from my husband.
I no longer feel victory from going to bed hungry.
Recovery looks different for everyone. For me, it’s a daily struggle to be healthy. Healthy for me means tons of veggies, sweating, and lots of praying.
I am writing this today because you need to know you aren’t alone. Recovery and healthy is possible. Persevere and get back up when you fail.
You are enough.